The fact that “Caring for the Emotional” comes in two parts says it all – our emotions are so important!  They can drive us, lift us, weigh us down.  All the better then to take time to consider, at any point, how you are feeling – and why. 

I said in ‘Part 1’ that ALL emotions are valid – and they are.  Given to us by Nature, every emotion is there for a purpose – just like all the parts of our physical body - and each has a healthy mode of expression.  There are different frameworks to help us understand this, by various authors.  I’m going to describe here the model I’ve found most useful.

JOY – let’s start with the easy one!   Joy, Happiness, is about SHARING with others and feeling that togetherness of celebration – a birthday, a new job, success in education.  And its right to allow Joy into your life, to feel great and acknowledge it.  Only remember - it isn’t natural to feel on top of the world every minute of every day.  Life happens, emotions change, flow, move up and down.  Understanding this can help us to avoid unnecessary disappointment.  Joy will come into our lives again. 

FEAR is about danger.  A natural WARNING mechanism.  Think of the ancient people of Earth, hunting, being hunted, exposed to the weather in ways we rarely are today.  Fear would have been a life-saver for them – which is exactly what it is meant to be.  The natural instinctive reaction to Fear is to ESCAPE – to run, to get help, to keep yourself SAFE. 

This is fine – until we start to feel Fearful when there is no actual danger to life.  Fear sets off a whole cascade of biological processes in the body – the Fight or Flight reaction.  Cortisol and adrenaline are pumped into the blood, heartbeat goes up, digestion is shut down – all so you can run for your life if you need to!  But, if you don’t ‘run for your life’, the substances put out by the body don’t get used up in the intended way, and they can, over time, be damaging. 

So, if and when you feel Fear, examine it and ASK yourself if it really is justified.  If you have the time to ask, it possibly isn’t!  The Fight or Flight reaction is so naturally fast that, in a genuine situation, its likely you would just move yourself out of the way without time for thought. 

Physical activity is good for using up the hormones of fear, so go for a walk, do some exercise appropriate to you.

ANGER  is a natural defence mechanism.  Sadly, humans use anger in all sorts of unnecessary and hurtful ways, but it has a healthy purpose – to help us defend ourselves if we are at real risk of being damaged.  The natural reaction to being hit or threatened or trapped, is for “RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION” to rise up in us, and we ‘push back’, speak up perhaps, take some appropriate action, in an attempt to change the situation and, again, keep ourselves SAFE.  This might also include calling for help from others.

Pausing and questioning yourself when you feel angry can be helpful.  ASK, WHY do I feel angry?  What has happened?  Is it justified?  Sometimes, if we are in an impossible situation, struggling with someone or something very difficult or stressful, anger can rise up without justification.  Practicing self-awareness – ‘Am I really angry?’ can be helpful. 

Anger is often over-used, for the smallest issue or imagined slight.  Or it is misdirected;  used inappropriately when another emotion feels too much or the person can’t or won’t express that emotion for whatever reason.  Usually this is GRIEF  or sadness.

SADNESS.  The mortality rate of the human race is 100%.  Every one of us will reach the end of our life at some time and we will lose people we love.  Therefore, as a human, LOSS IS INEVITABLE.  Although this seems obvious, grief is probably the emotion with which people struggle the most. 

By turning away from loss, ignoring it, suppressing it, we are harming ourselves, and sometimes, others, if Grief is misdirected and comes out as Anger.  I have experienced that reaction in family members, and it can be extremely damaging.  Shelves of books have been written about death and dying, and bereavement, and I highly recommend the works of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.   

Perhaps the most important suggestion anyone can make is - Allow Yourself to Grieve.  Grief calls for togetherness and needs consolation.  And it takes Time.  No-one can lose a loved one and be “over it” in a matter of days or even months. 

The best advice I was given after my Mum died was the honest truth that I would never be “over it”.   We ‘get over’ losing a favourite pen, or a book.  We do not ‘get over’ losing a loved one, as if they had never been there.  I found this idea illuminating and comforting.  I didn’t have to ‘forget’ my Mum, sweep her out of my memory, ‘get over’ losing her.  I was told I could, and would, be able to ADJUST to a different world, one without her physical presence.  Yes, I could that. 

In shamanic work and Energy Field Healing the cycles of life – beginning, middle and end – are understood and honoured as a natural process.  Shamans speak of the many Little Deaths in life – losing that pen, the favourite book, being made redundant, even retirement from a loved job – all these are losses.  If we allow ourselves to feel and process the Little Deaths, we are better equipped to cope with the bigger losses, when they come. 

My heart goes out to anyone – that is, everyone! -  who has to travel through the mists and fogs of bereavement.  Like you, I have been there, and I know it will come again.  That’s life.  But I have found that place of adjustment before, and therefore, I know I can again, however long it takes. 

"Riding the dark horse of grief is excruciating, hollow, numbing, enraging, and a deeply private process.  It takes as long as it takes – no more, no less."

                                                                                      Sylvia Browne    "The Other Side and Back"   

 

“Bone grows slowly and tissue mends in Nature's time.

And at Her pace my heart will heal,

Until the day the love and gratitude outweigh the pain.

I can't see that now, can't even accept that it might come.

 But life unfolds, and one day, I think

I might be able to hold you in my heart,

And not feel pain.”

                              Kim Quance       From “Losing Mum”, March 2006

 

 DISCLAIMER (The Small Print)       

These are just my current thoughts. 

Thoughts can change as we learn and grow.

I can always be wrong, but am nevertheless entitled to my thoughts.

You don’t have to like my blog or take any notice of anything I say.

It is important you always make up your own mind - about everything.

I am not you, and don’t know you or the details of your life. 

Therefore, you are responsible for any decisions or changes you make as a result of reading my thoughts. 

Finally, nothing in any of my blogs is intended nor should be taken as medical or health advice.  Always research for yourself and talk to doctors or therapists you trust (conventional or complementary).

 

 

We are Emotional Beings - hurray!   We are created with the wonderful capacity to feel life in al facets – anger, grief, joy, fear.  Yet, there is a tendency to shy away from our emotions – or some of them.  Why do we do this?  Why would we shut ourselves off from how we are feeling? 

Often because we are taught to in childhood – ‘Sssh now, don’t be sad’ or ‘Oh, nice little girls and boys aren’t angry’.  As children, even when we call out in joy, we can be told to be quiet.  And powerful feelings - deep grief, raging anger – can feel overwhelming.

I hear people say things like, “I feel so angry, and I know I shouldn’t,”  or  “My wonderful Mum/Dad/Sister/Brother/Friend died several months ago and friends say I should be over it by now, but I can’t.”

The truth is that ALL emotions are valid.  We are entitled to our feelings.  You have the right to grieve, to feel joy, to be cross.  It is how we DEAL with our emotions which matters.

In Energy Field Healing we understand that pain in the body is compressed energy – perhaps years of it.  When we hold back from crying, or hold onto fear or anger, the energy of the emotion embeds in the energy field – in a layer of the field, a chakra, a joint, even an organ – because the physical body is energy too.  Future events with a similar resonance (energy signature) can ‘light up’ old emotions, and we feel them again, along with the current issue.  This is why a smaller loss occurring long after a massive bereavement, can suddenly trigger a huge, seemingly out of proportion, outpouring of sadness. 

Consider, for instance, the massive outpouring of grief for Princess Diana when she died.  Millions of people across the globe sobbed in public, lit candles, laid flowers. Yes, Princess Diana was a wonderful person and very well ‘known’ as a public figure.  But, she was not a personal friend or family member to most of us.  What I suspect happened is that her death, the terrible sudden death of a beautiful mother of young children, triggered old issues of loss in a great many people.  They just didn’t recognise it, so their emotions were channelled into apparently grieving for Diana and her boys.

So, what we DO with our feelings?  While we are entitled to how we FEEL, how we ACT on strong emotions needs consideration.  Just because we are angry with our boss does not mean we can explode in his or her face or walk out of our job.  HOW then, can we manage strong emotions, so they don’t overwhelm us, or cause us to act in ways we might regret?  You might try an energy therapy – Reiki or Energy Healing, or psychotherapy of some kind, and those can really help, but this blog is about what you might do for yourself.

The flexible ideal is that we move appropriately in and out of each and any emotional state as it occurs, processing it, understanding what’s happening, expressing if necessary, in an appropriate way and moving calmly on.  (!!)

What makes this difficult at times can be those childhood messages – ‘don’t be angry’ – and previously suppressed emotions.  Or an overload of too much ‘life’ coming at us at once, so we don’t have time to rest and process.  We can become like a pressure cooker, waiting to explode, we have so much inside us. 

Here are a couple of suggestions that can help us with our emotions:

The SITTING STILL AND QUIET, and FOCUSING INTO THE EARTH tips, mentioned in previous blogs, can definitely be helpful here, especially if done regularly, but also –

THE GIVEAWAY LETTER.  This is a technique where you write the letter you are never going to send.  When you are done you will destroy it.  Safe, inexpensive, private.  The Giveaway offers freedom to express in a safe way.  My advice – use a basic A4 pad and some cheap biros, not your favourite pen.  I’ve snapped many a biro doing the Giveaway!  Take some private time to do this – the emotions that rise up at first can be strong.

At a time when you feel emotional and seem to have no safe outlet, get your pad and pens, go somewhere private, and write.  I start by writing  “Dear ..….” ,  using the name of the person involved.  Thereafter it doesn’t matter if you form words with the pen or not.  You may just scribble madly across the page or stab the pad in rage.  You might talk out loud, as if talking to the person, as you scribble.

It sounds daft, but the physical act of moving the pen across the paper allows the emotion a way out of the body.  It also helps the emotion to rise up from where it has been trapped.  You might cry or shout out.  Its fine.  You might need to move to another chair, or even another room.  That’s fine too, it’s a manifestation of the energy, the emotion, moving in your body. 

As you fill or cover each page, rip it off, throw it aside and carry on.  Never mind any mess, just for now.  Keep writing/scribbling, until you feel a pause.  Take a few moments, breathe, and see if you need to do more.  Try writing a sentence to the person and see if it frees up any more emotion.

Eventually you will reach a point where you don’t want to do anymore at the moment.  That’s great.  Stop there, gather your torn and scribbled pages and put them in the bin.  It is extremely important to do this!   Don’t, under any circumstances, keep these pages, or re-read them.  There is ONE exception to this – see below.

Take time then to do something calm and enjoyable.  Make a cup of tea, go for a gentle walk, sit in your garden.  Breathe. 

When I first did this exercise I wrote to my Dad, who had been dead many years.  My relationship with him was complex.  As I wrote, ‘Dear Dad’  on the page, a wave of emotion released itself from deep inside and I felt it, like a visceral thing, coming up my body.  I began to cry and to scribble.  26 pages and several rooms later, I stopped.  About 6 months on I wrote to Dad again – a couple of pages.  A third Giveaway letter some time later was half a page.  I have not felt the need to write to Dad since, and I feel calm when I think of him now.

The Giveaway Letter can be used for anyone who has hurt, angered or injured you in some way.  It can be used for living people or, like my Dad, people who have passed.  It can be used for ANY emotion.  And here’s the ONE exception.  If you write a loving letter to someone you care for, or cared for, perhaps words you were not able to say to them at the time, destroying it may not feel right.  In that case try this: 

Fold or roll the paper carefully, parcel it lovingly with colourful ribbon or wool, and tie it in a tree or ceremonially release it into moving water.  Your loving words will be carried gently at Nature’s pace, into the unseen spaces of life, and perhaps even reach the person you intended them for. 

"Anyone can become angry, that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way, that is not easy.”  Aristotle, 384-322 BC

DISCLAIMER (The Small Print)       

These are just my current thoughts. 

Thoughts can change as we learn and grow.

I can always be wrong, but am nevertheless entitled to my thoughts.

You don’t have to like my blog or take any notice of anything I say.

It is important you always make up your own mind - about everything.

I am not you, and don’t know you or the details of your life. 

Therefore, you are responsible for any decisions or changes you make as a result of reading my thoughts. 

Finally, nothing in any of my blogs is intended nor should be taken as medical or health advice.  Always research for yourself and talk to doctors or therapists you trust (conventional or complementary).